I cried myself to sleep last night. Connor thinks I should see a professional, and really wants to help. I'm waiting to tell these things to Mason when he gets back rather than texting him and waiting for some terrible time for him to receive them because it would be very selfish of me, while he's on a mission trip to have the only things I think about in regards to him be telling him how depressed I am. I don't know that I myself can say that, because it's not like it's been this way for a month, but both Connor and Nikumeja said it, even after I mentioned the week thing. Right now I've just got this sad Playlist I made up so I wouldn't have to listen to my normal happy music. I feel very much alone.. And in thinking about this, I remembered Mason's letter, and I thought, well that's good.
Before I remembered his letter, I wasn't sure how to start my day so I can refresh this terrible cycle of fruitless efforts to be better. Thank you for these questions, Mason, they will make a wonderful distraction. The tears came at about the sixth paragraph. He was telling me how beautiful and wonderful I am and how many thanks he has yet to give for that. . But I really don't deserve this. Yeah..
Now I feel like writing about something else. Like. Text plus community days. First I must address the Evanescence in my ear holes. It's been a while since I've enjoyed this, probably during my online community days, and even then I think I was just pretending to like it because I wanted to be a real person with a struggle so badly. Ooo look at that I got my wish! Alright so online communities. So. The first thing I actually found where everyone felt like a family was.. Hold up I gotta grab mah Bluetooth keyboard. Wow I'm a terrible writer. This is content? No, it's not. It's a way to keep myself writing when the motivation isn't there. Alright. So this community was a roleplaying community by title. Nobody did the serious roleplaying that turned into books that I always told you about, mostly because in the communities community (see what i did there?) I sort of invented it. Anyway, people would have conversation that didn't start with 'hi' or end with 'bye' and they'd roleplay it like an environment. We were on Hogwarts school grounds, and I could say "Accio fuckingnameofbroomstick-bolt 3000" and then fly around and wreak havok. It was great. Just to forewarn you, this isn't about to be nearly as well put-together as your letters, I'm uber scatter-brained and can't think clearly for shit. I think that was redundant as well. Doesn't matter. Fuck it. This chick named Sydney. She absolutely loved Oh My God I went to google what the animal is called and I can use this keyboard to select shit. Like if I put to whatever it's called Android voiceover service on I could totally use this to be more efficient.. So yeah she loved Okapi. Okapis. Ocapus. I don't know. And one day she decided I was her pet Okapi so I changed my name to Larry Okapi and my picture to an Okapi. This was a mistake. See, on the internet, in case you didn't already know this, little boys with testosterone tend to treat girls differently from other boys. They're unknown territory so they tend to be more cautious. My name was Larry. I of course didn't take this into account when a guy was trying to impress a couple of girls by being super sexist and ech towards another girl (I don't actually remember what he was doing) and I just HAD to say something or two or maybe even a rant I honestly don't remember which, about it. Yeah you know I actually thought I'd get on track at some point in here and it would flow better. NOPE. It's doomed to be this way for the entirety of whatever it ends up being.
ANYway, this dude thought Mr. Okapi was picking fights, and he couldn't stand for that or let it get by with a couple of girls to impress around. At one point I think I actually tried to convince him that I was a girl to prove a point. Didn't work. After a while, he started telling me about how he was at his uncle's house, and like. Bruh you better shut your goddamn mouth because my uncle's a hacker and he'll hack your account so you can't log in anymore. I'm like well. That's a fuckin lie cuz like. Who actually has access to that? So I kept being a bitch about the situation and then when he said his uncle was doing it I changed my password just in case because that makes it more difficult somehow? I don't know. I logged out and logged back in and when I went to the community he was all "I got rid of the bastard". Something I never mentioned was like. People kept coming in without knowing what was going on or reading up and joined his side because fightiiiiiiiiiiiiingg. I saw them cheering and bein all happy Larry was gone and I typed out something like "I'm still here bitchezzzzzzz". But. It sent, but didn't send. It didn't show up as a message after I hit send. So I'm like fuck.. yeah that never got to my original story but I'll have to tell you about that later because I feel like you've had enough reading already.